Social étiquette
by Orion Sirius
Summary: Odin goes on holiday. He thinks it's a bad idea. And it is. Cain has no clue how to take care of himself. Severus is starting to wonder if there's something wrong with him. Why do people still look at him in fear, even after he's retired from his dark days? Now he's being lectured by his son on how to behave in society. They both decide to help one another.
1. I

"What's wrong with my face?"

"Everything… Just everything."

"You can't generalize this, Cain. You must explain."

"And _how_ do I explain…?"

"Perhaps, with words?"

"Which I am clearly at a loss for, as you can see."

Cain was pacing around the kitchen, a piece of buttered toast in his mouth. He was looking down incredulously at his shirt. "How in God's name do you button this…?"

Severus, who was sipping his tea in relish, smirked at him from the top of his teacup. "It's been less than 4 hours since your little servant left, and you're already hyperventilating?"  
"Instead of showing me one of your rare smiles and disrespecting Odin, get over here and help me…" Cain snapped. "And keep your wand away from me!"

The older man stood reluctantly, making his way over to Cain. They looked at each other, as if seeing one another for the first time, standing only inches apart.

"God… I would give you a nasty look, but unfortunately you've already got one…" Cain muttered, succumbing his shirt to the thin, precise fingers of his father. He got it done in under a minute, as any normal person would have. Cain, however, was no normal person, more so when Odin wasn't present.

"I still think it's a bad idea for your servant to go on this little holiday… Look at you! You barely know how to dress yourself."

Cain smacked his hands away in irritation. He shoved the remaining toast into his mouth, chewing it as brutally and loudly as his strong jaw could allow him, before gulping the abused food down. "Remember when I asked for your opinion, father?"  
"No, I don't recall."

"Exactly, neither do I!" He said, clapping his hands sardonically.

"Enough of your sarcasm," Severus snapped.

(They both have this amazing ability of literally snapping & spitting their sentences instead of just speaking them _normally_ like every _normal_ person does. Stress the _normal_ ).

"Is there something else you suggest I practice?" Cain asked. "Sarcasm is scientifically proven to extend one's life. You should try it sometime, lest you drop dead."  
He added a small sweet smile, which fell as quickly as it had appeared. Examining his fingernails and the bruise that had formed out of nowhere on his wrist, he ignored Severus who was making tutting noises. The older man cleared the breakfast table away with a flick of his wand.  
"I wonder what your reaction would be…" Cain mused. "If I were to wreak havoc to the table again."  
"You might lose your ear."  
"I have another one."  
"For the time being…"

"My, how terrifying. I'm not sure I want to spend another day with you alone." Cain laughed.

"Sadly, we are both stuck together."

"Shame… You're such a tragedy, even a dementor is unlikely to kiss you. That is, if he manages to make it within a mile of you."

"You…!"

"I shall be in my room, pondering the meaning of a life devoid of chocolate."

"Try not to starve while I'm out doing the shopping. Anything specific you would like me to bring back?"

"Hm…" Cain thought aloud. "How about a cactus? So I can have a different prick to look at."

"On second thoughts… I shall join you! I want to handpick my new friend myself."


	2. II

While Cain strolled casually amongst the aisles, shopping basket in hand, Severus darted back and forth between the shelves. He pulled items down almost methodically, not stopping to look at them. It seemed as if he had the whole shopping routine memorized.

"Oi! I like the vanilla almond milk, not the coconut!" Cain said, snatching the carton back. After switching it, he shot his father a sourly disappointed look. "And here I thought you had gotten the hang of it…"

They could have used magic. A simple **_accio_** would have done it. But they were in muggle territory, so no way could they risk something so reckless. Having groceries flying riot around the shop would be enough to have the blue bottles on their backs… Again…

"Next time, tell me that your tastes have changed," Severus snapped. "Why do we have a shopping list, Cain? To put it on my head? Am I meant to have a dream telling me you want vanilla almond milk?"  
"Lay off, what's this rubbish about a shopping list? You don't even _have_ a shopping list!"

"We do now! Write your vegan nonsense on it from now on."

Cain glared at him silently. Better to nod his head than have nothing to eat but… Animals… (shiver)

"Now where was I…?"  
"Trying to get your pompous head down from your ass?" Cain suggested quietly.

"I heard that."  
"I meant for you to…"

"Next time, go shopping alone."

"With pleasure," Cain laughed. "Don't forget my cactus!"

Once they were done with the groceries, Cain dragged his father over to the plant section. He waved cheerfully at the sales girl stacking empty terracotta pots in the corner of the stall.

"How can I help you?" She asked, dusting her hands down on her apron. She surveyed Cain with marked interested. Her eyes scanned the defined shape of his jaw, his septum piercing, all the way down to his leather oxfords. Her finger twitched, as if they wanted to run themselves through the inky black silk that was his hair.  
"I am looking for a prick to replace the one I already have."

"I-I beg your pardon?"

"A pri-"

"A cactus!" Snape snapped.

The girl looked startled at the other man's outburst, but she led the way nonetheless.

"How have they not locked you up yet?" Cain hissed.

The pair followed the girl to where the cacti were displayed. Cain took his sweet time, much to Severus' dismay.

"Cain, I've got pork & fish that need to go in the freezer," he told his son. He kept looking impatiently at his wristwatch and sighing in exasperation.

"Oh for Heaven's sake! Just give me a bit of quid and go!"

Severus wasn't arguing. He shoved a wad of money into his son's awaiting hand, then with a firm grip on his trolley, he marched towards the checkout counter. He took large, determined steps, look quite demented with his face set in a scowl.

"Is that your father?" The girl asked once Severus was out of earshot.

"Yes," Cain nodded. "Tragic, isn't it? How did I _ever_ turn out to be such a splendid creature with his genes contributing to my makeup, I _do not_ know..."

"You look awfully alike."  
"It helps that we're related…"  
"Right…" She continued, glancing off to the side. "I was wondering…"

"Oh, look at the time! I really _must_ dash!" Cain remarked, choosing a small aloe vera succulent.

"Could I have your number?"  
"I could have sworn it was in the phone book…"

"Phone book?"  
"The very one!"

"What about your name?"

"You'll find it right above my number in the phone book! Cheers!"


	3. III

_A chatty chapter. Hope it's ok._

 _\- Orion_

"What a fascinating trip!"

"This is the last time I let you apparate us home, Cain."

The father and son had just appeared on the street opposite their house. Severus swayed left and right as he tried to walk towards the front door of their house. It looked as if he had just walked out of a bar after having a few drinks.

"Would you prefer we take the muggle transport, with all the common folk oggling us both?"

"I would _prefer_ that we get home in _one piece_. And that includes my groceries." Severus sighed. "Just pray that tonight's pork won't have the body of a fish, thanks to your brilliance…"

"Father!" Cain exclaimed. "You have finally acknowledged my brilliance."

The young boy sniffed, looking close to tears, but he quickly assumed his grin (reminiscent of a leprechaun) once more.

The pair lumbered into their house, arms laden with groceries. Cain carried his new cactus proudly, being careful not to get poked by one of its many sharp needles. He surveyed the living room carefully, trying to decide where to place his new friend.

"Come help me pack up and get the food ready!" Severus called from the kitchen.

After much consideration, Cain placed the pot on the windowsill, where he assumed it would get the most sunlight. (little does he know that cacti don't really need a lot of sun…)

"How am I supposed to know what goes where?" Cain asked as he entered. "I have also never cooked a meal in my life. So if you don't want supper to be a burning chunk of coal, you'll keep me out of the kitchen."  
"What you need," Severus began. "Is a course in basic survival skills. Which young adult in this century doesn't know how to prepare a meal?"  
"That's what restaurants and take-out are for!" Cain argued. "Honestly father, I would love to see things from your point of view, really. I, however, cannot seem to get my head _that_ far up your ass to understand."  
" _Cain Yunha Severus Snape_."  
"Do you not find the fact that my name is an almost exact copy of yours to be creepy?"

"For once in my life, I would love to see you acting your age…"  
"May that day never come. Amen." Cain muttered, making the sign of the cross.

"I am being very serious right now."  
"Sirius Black?"

"CAIN!"  
"Alright. Goodness gracious…" Cain snapped. "If you are going to insist on lecturing me and doing the honor of giving me this so called 'survival skills' course, then… I'm going to have to fix your sorry love life for you."  
Severus shoved the remaining items into the fridge. He had already laid out the pork (which had not acquired the body of a fish), along with some potatoes, carrots, and onions. At the best of times, he forgets that Cain does not eat animals…

"I swore I would never love anyone after your mother… Besides, why is my love life any of your concern?"  
"Because it is in a sorrier state than your hair and my health put together. The only way you will ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's derrière and wait… That is why I must interfere, before it is too late!"

"You have crossed the line, young man."  
"Have I? Why is it acceptable for you to be a depressed, emotionless human, but not for me to point it out?"  
"Maybe because I already know what kind of human I am…?"  
"Since you have already identified the problem, that is excellent. The second step is to take action! Think of this as a give and take. I shall give you lessons in the art of love, while you teach me how to survive. It is absolute brilliance!"

"This might be your worst idea yet…"  
And so, that marked the start of a very interesting week indeed.


End file.
